The first 24 hours after MH was born was miserable. I felt like I couldn’t breathe I was hurting so bad. Not from the pain of just having gone through 18 1/2 hours of labor or the fact that I had been cut open from hip to hip, but because I didn’t have my baby in my arms. My heart felt like it had been ripped out. I’m the mom who doesn’t let anyone take my babies out of the room without me or my husband going with them during our hospital stay after our babies are born. Now, I was having to trust strangers, very amazing and capable strangers, to care for my fighting baby girl. My husband was the first to hold our sweet baby. He went up to the NICU as often as he could while I wasn’t able to. I was a very sick mess for the first 24 hours after her birth. I finally made it up to the NICU to hold her and she was stable but fighting. She had transitioned from a c-pap to regular oxygen but still wasn’t doing the best. I honestly can’t remember all of the terms they used to describe what all was wrong, I just knew she was fighting. After my first visit with her they gave me fluids and a blood transfusion then unhooked me from my IV. I was able to shower, change clothes and blow dry my hair. I felt like a completely new person. During my second visit with her I was able to stay a lot longer and I was able to do kangaroo care with her. It was good for the both of us. She was beautiful. She had a million wires and IV’s hooked to her but she was beautiful. Each time I had to leave was gut wrenching. J went up there very often and I went as often as possible. My sole mission at that point was to provide as much of my milk to her as possible. I became a pumping machine! We got to feed her for the first time when she was a little over two days old. Tiny little drops through a syringe. 1cc of liquid gold. She slowly improved each day and on the Sunday after the Thursday that she was born I was discharged. Those few weeks before, during and after her birth were filled with days that seemed to be the worse days of my life.
I’d do it all over in a heartbeat to have my sweet girl.
Leaving her was hard. One of the hardest moments of my life. I was thrilled to see my kiddos at home though!! I had missed them so so bad!!! That Monday was bittersweet and miserable. I had desperately missed my kids so I was happy to spend time with them but I was honestly really worried and stressed because I couldn’t take care of MH. My parents came to sit with our kids so that we could go visit her around 3pm. We live an hour away from the hospital. That morning when we had called to check on her the nurses told us she was stable but had not improved. I had prayed all. day. long.
Prayer is a powerful thing.
When we got to her on the main NICU floor we were met by a nurse who asked if we were ready to take her to a transition room!!! We had NO IDEA that she was doing so well!!! Her oxygen was gone, she was down to only one IV line and she was very stable! After only a second she was being wheeled into her own room and I was told that either I or my husband could stay with her 24 hours a day if we chose to!!
I was staying. No one could have pulled me away. My husband was instantaneous in his decision. He knew I needed to stay with her, I needed it with every fiber of my being. It was the best news I could have ever heard.
We left for an hour to go get a few things at a local store because I hadn’t packed anything. I was planning on staying with her as long as she had to be there and I needed necessities and comfortable clothes to keep myself clean, comfortable and keep my milk supply strong for her. A couple of bags of toiletries, food, yoga pants, t-shirts and a giant mason jar water bottle later I was set. When we got back J was able to feed her her very first bottle!! He stayed as long as he could and then left to care for our other sweet kiddos. Then, it was just Mommy and MH. That was the first time I had been able to be alone with my sweet tiny girl.
It. Was. Blissful.